You have a friend in me!

Well I made it to sandy with a hobbit-cat. Past sandy that is. There’s no real point in recalling what happened between Vulker or Vulver or Vulken or whatever it was called and sandy. Everything went smoothly which is what you’d expect when you’re hanging out with me. I urge all of you to ignore anyone who utters the words “beware of the fires”, I have a perfectly good explanation for all of that.

I ran into the new old sarge instantly as I got into old sandy. I took a picture of him.

Hello

He did not wave back. He seems a lot more forceful than my old sarge. He urged me to leave sandy to clear the roads of ronfaure of the many dangerous monsters that used to inhabit there. I must have done a good job because I see none in the present so I expect I kill them all eventually. I think this new sarge will like me just as much as old sarge. Oh just so you know, i’ve kind of gotten used to the idea that I’ve lost my sarge. Easy come easy go.

My first real mission in the past was given to me by a scottish man. He told me to find his things he dropped. I think it was parts for a very old nintendo system. I brought them back to him and he was so excited he gave me some shoes which make me run faster. Unfortunately english men came and took his nintendo system away. Before he could ask for his speedy boots back I ran away. Because I ran away I must have lost Narachan. But that’s ok, if she dies her corpse will be in safe hands with new sarge. She’ll get a nice ceremoney.

I found a portal in east ronfaure back to the present. The portal opened up in an area called the Sand Dunes. While there I met an elf called Trisk. He seemed friendly but he seems to get confused when he discusses firearms. Lucky I was there to help him out. After a while I found out he was looking for a portal into the past to find his girlfriend Narachan. I would have told him she was probably dead but at that moment we seemed to be surrounded by goblins, leeches, crabs and damselflys. I thought there would be a better time and a place. Unfortunately we were killing so many monsters and having so much fun he seemed to have forgot about looking for her and I forgot to tell him. I left him and traveled back to Sandy Castle because I recieved a message via chocobo mail from prince Trion asking me to help him kill some shadow lord man. This is my kind of fight I thought.

I quickly gathered an able bodied team in Jeuno and we set off to a big castle in Xcabard. I don’t know how much my team wanted to save the world from the coming of eternal darkness because the married couple decided to bring their children with them. Oh and they were a TaruTaru and a human. I do not wish to describe what only a mother could love.

Halfway through our trek a lot of demonic men decided to give our party leader a back rub with their scythes. She seemed to enjoy it because she passed right out. I decided it would be better to let her take this nap so I continued on into the castle. I continued my trek to the top of the castle until I got to the Throne Room. I demanded an audience with the king of pimprealm. I do not know the name of the castle so to keep things simple, I will call it pimprealm. Strangely my team mates pulled me to the ground when I demanded this as a big wave of darkness splashed across the room. It was only 3pm so I’m guessing all of the traveling means I was forward a few hours and it was night time here.

I’m sure my team must have had a great love for me because they kept me out of reach of the shadow lord during their fight. I didn’t see why we had to kill him though. Nobody really listened to his views. Maybe he had a point? Oh well, it was nice how my team looked out for me.

After the shadow lord fell I warped back home to sandy to complete my mission. I appeared alongside the main support for the roof I was leaning against in pimpmycastle-Throne room. I have a strange ability to take random things I touch with me. Oh well it was no big deal. I handed in my mission to the prince and he rejoiced and gave me some money for traveling expenses and the job. Hopefully he isn’t expecting anything more with his money. He seems to pay more and more each time I do something for him. I walked to the gate to talk to new sarge. He was standing over 5 bodies and 2 strange human-taru kids covered in cloth. He told me they died in a cave in a castle apparently very close to the one I was in. Can’t wait to tell the guys this one. They’ll be so relieved they didn’t get that crazy second castle mission. Just thinking now though, I never got their contact details. I’ll probably have to just try and bump into them at some point.

I told sarge I was heading back to Jeuno. He agreed I should go there. He also said I should take as long as I like. This is why I love sarge. He’s so thoughtful.

I had hoped he would come see me off to the airship though to be fair I couldn’t see anything because of the crowds of people getting on the airship that day to Jeuno. I summoned Titan so I could climb on his back to take a look but I was told to unsummon him immediately. I don’t know why but as soon as I unsummoned him everyone seemed to be swimming. I suppose it was a nice day but the area Titan appeared was now completely empty so I could see a lot clearer. No sarge to be seen. Ah well. I guess I’ll just bring him back a present from my next adventure. I wonder if he likes fireworks?

My Journey!

Sarge sent me on a mission so I didn’t have time to get back to write in my blog again… Infact I believe it has been over a year since I’ve returned. I was sent on a world wide mission to jeuno, windy, bastok, altepa and norg. I came back eventually with lots of  strange creatures dragging at my heels. At first I thought I had been eating cat food again and they could smell it off my breath but I distincty remember having ginger cookies to keep me going for the past year. Then again, it’s rumored that once in a blue moon, ie iceday, a tarutaru goes missing from their home town and get’s used in the production of all sorts of fine treats.

Anyway to recap I am now a class called a Summoner. I didn’t talk it over with sarge but I’m sure he would find it very interesting to meet my firey demon Ifrit or my dark wolf Fenrir. He’ll be so chuffed how far i’ve come in the past year.

Speaking of Fenrir, that’s right, I went to Sandy when I got back, turns out I’m in a different world called Fenrir. The last one was called Phoenix. I don’t understand. There’s a guy there who looks a lot like sarge but he didn’t run when he saw me coming like my sarge would do playfully. I hope the new sarge will forgive me for Titan trying to swallow him.  I haven’t taught him that not everything is aggro. A lesson my last sargent taught me and it stuck with me well and truely.

Which brings me to my next point. Because I missed sarge so much I decided I’d jump into a cavernous maw. or whatever you call them. I heard from a passer-by that they are a lot like a TARDIS. That’s Time And Relative Dimension In Space for those who don’t know jack from jill. Or watch Dr. Who. They wern’t bigger on the inside. Infact it didn’t have an inside. It just spat me out in the past. It was nice not having to work the Tardis to get back in time because I suspect I would have pressed the future button or the implode multiverse button. best leave them on auto-piolet. When I popped out my friend Deulmaeux the Elf Warrior was there. I’m starting to believe he is following me. I quickly gave him the hint he wasn’t wanted and he left me alone for me to explore the past. The first thing I saw in the past? A dead cat. Or so I thought. Tricky little cat it was. She was just unconsious. I poked her with face with a nearby blue squirrel that won’t stop following me until she woke. Apparently she was from the future too. what’re the chances right?

We decided to set off to old Sandy together to help me find old sarge. Or technically, new sarge. In old past. In the future there was no sarge. But there is. But not the right one. He is the right one. But i’m not in the right place. But maybe I am now. Actually now that I think about it, past Fenrir will only have new old sarge unless old new sarge is on vacation in old new sandy in which case i’ll be able to find him. But what if old new sarge and new old sarge meet and the world implodes? or perhaps it won’t matter because they are two different people who look the same. a lot like twins.  Whoops it appears my new cat friend is dead. Oh well a nearby sprite is raising her. While he does that i’ll take this time to talk a little about her. She’s a cat. she has an axe. She’s called Narachan. She’s a lesbian. So don’t even think about it all you discusting galkas, we all know you have one thing on your minds.

Anyway, apparently in the past we have to head to somewhere where I don’t know where it is. But it’s in Jugner forest in the past. I am there and waiting for Narachan to catch up to me but she’s slow for a cat. She said something about her boyfriend being in Sandy. She hasn’t said anything about why she is in the past or how she even got the TARDIS to work for her, but here we are. It’s my theory that she is trying to escape the raving lesbian hunters that prowl bastok and lower jeuno. Oh, and if I’m gonna do this then :

Eclips’s thought of the day: Lesbian cats are people too.

Anyway I should probably continue this later. There is a big blue thing called a Djinn. I wanted to be it’s friend but when i tried to introduce him to carbuncle, my blue rat, he quickly turned and punched me in the face. with his… face… anyway yes, I am determined to survive until Narachan gets back here so I can get some answers as to why she is in the past. Mainly because I’m curious. Although Curiosity killed the cat. Though sometimes it’s Fenrir. Or Lesbian cat hunters. Don’t worry lesbian community, I am a friend of… oh god i’m bleeding. talk soon!

Our Day Off!

Today is Saturday! Hurray! we get the weekend off you see. Sarge told me that he was going to spend his weekend fishing. I asked him if I could join him but apparently something else came up and he had to travel to Windurst for the weekend. I was sad but not disheartened! I thought that I could bag myself a crab for his return. Id have plenty of time to find a good one and lob its pincers off for sarge. I could even swap his hands for pincers when he was asleep so when he wakes up in the morning he would have a cool surprise! That reminds me, I should ask Sarge if he’d like to try my zombie theory when he returns. Vampire elf didn’t seem to go down to well, that must be his problem though, he must have done something wrong. If the Crab-Elf theory goes wrong perhaps I can find some way to give him zombie like attributes. The speedy kind like on css. he’d love that!

I sat down to start fishing by the moat in northern Sandy and all of a sudden a cleric popped up behind me. He told me of a quest to bring a priest some peas. I stared at him till he walked away to pester someone else. Bloody clerics. What’s more is some weird fellow fishing next to me began to talk in some weird dialect. he said (Hello! I Fish! Rod! please! okay! Thank you! Potatoes?). Naturally I thought he had caught the dreaded Chocobo Flu so I did the only humane thing. I beat him to death with my rod. But alas apparently that isn’t the elvan thing to do -_- apparently elvans talk through their differences and work through their problems with speech… *sigh* when will they learn? But enough of this, the real problem now was I was short a fishing rod now that my willow one had snapped on the elvans face.

I made my way back to southern Sandy where I went in search of a merchant who sold fishing gear. Finally I found a man who sold the gear that I needed for a reasonable price no less! Though to my horror it was all a clever trap laid down by the elves of Sandy. Whilst I browsed the good mans wares I was brutally raped by passing elves eyes. Countless numbers of people examining my frail young body, I dashed into the dark alleys close by. Soon I found myself next to a large male cat thing. He looked like the brother of the hulk yet less green but much hairier. I asked him if he knew how I could get back to North Sandy. He replied to me “Je Mange le pantalon. Je suis le gateaux”. Another victim to the Chocobo Flu! I thought. “Don’t Worry Son!” I shouted! “I shall make this quick!!…Although I weild a great sword… therefore your death will be unimaginably slow!”. I will never forget that poor mans final words yet he knew it had to be done. As I withdrew my sword of awesome flaming death, he slowly said to me in a touching tone of voice “Kay?” I then replied to him “Yes my friend… Kay…”. I then proceeded to stab his feet so he couldn’t run away, then I cut his hands off so he couldn’t fight back. His tail was swinging about a bit too much, it could have hit me, so i cut it off too. I then whipped him with it. Finally I stabbed him through the chest and shouted “You’re going to a better place now Jimmy”. He replied to me saying “OMFG” His dieing words… so beautiful and yet so tragically strewn with the Chocobo Virus. By the way, I’m not telling you how you get the chocobo flu… But it’s a lot like the welsh and sheep…

I hope sarge finds out about my deeds I’ve done for the city, I’ll have my rank up to two in no time. I’m becoming ever so popular in this world and everyone seems to want me for quests. Anyway I wasn’t able to get pincers for Sarge though I do still have that poor bastards tail. I can sow it onto Sarge later and he can be a Cat Elf! I think that would be cooler than a crab elf anyway. It was a stupid idea anyway, how would he hold a sword with pincers? I feel so silly now. Excuse me now Journal, that cleric is back. Talking about peas again… It kind of resembles talk that the chocobo flu creates within a mans mind. I wouldn’t put it past those clerics. Dirty Bastards… Oh well time to do my civic duty!

Sarge is awake!

Well 3 days later and Sarge woke up. It was nice having a holiday from the army. I spent my time off poking an elvan kid in North Sandy with his fishing rod that his dad gave me because i’m so awesome or something. This just enhances my theory that all elves are gay. But I won’t say that to their faces because they are all twice the height of me… bastards…

Anyway yes as I was saying, Sarge is awake and he has given me another mission! He says that This one is for my expertise only. I have to go save a bunch of children how cool is that ^^ I’m going to be a hero! Sarge laughed as I left. He seemed to be in a good mood, glad there was no hard feelings from the unconsciousness and all that. Thing is I got there and I think Sarge forgot to mention that this was the Orcs main encampment. “What do big fat biker like Orcs want with children anyway?” I asked myself. I didn’t know, and quite frankl, I didn’t want to know… So I left there and went to kill some sheep. Oh, FYI, Don’t follow sheep if they run. It can give others the wrong impression…  Sheep always look so peaceful in their fields, grazing and lazing around. I had no idea they could team together and unleash a barrage of death at me?! Lucky for me a powerful blackmage showed up and cast the almighty BIND on the enemy sheep. I say almighty though it was a bald human with a tattoo on his face. His parents mustn’t have given him enough attention as a child.

The blackmage decided to journey with me. by decided I mean, ‘He wouldn’t stop following me’. Basically because a blackmage is in danger of getting a paper cut and dieing. Those scrolls are dangerous things. I had a surefire plan to get rid of the little creep but I had run out of those cool vampire bats. Curses… After a while of traveling we found a group of traveling orcs. One we hadn’t seen before. He looked like a big fat woman but nobody wanted to say anything as he could cast Dia… and nobody really knows what that does so we were scared. We were about to run away when I remembered that Sarge was counting on me to take out these Orcs and save some trinket or gun or a squirrel or something to that value. I charged in with my sword out. The Orc was casting some kind of spell though I had no idea what it was because I’m pure melle baby. I stopped in mid charge and I turned to my blackmage friend and shouted “HEEEEYYYY BM! WHAT’S HE DOING?”. I turned around again and noticed there was an ether lying on the ground. I mean, how lucky is that?? these kinda items don’t grow on trees! I bent down and picked it up but when I got up again BM’s corpse was on fire. I turned to the orc and made sure he knew that he was just lucky that my gothic friend didn’t summon the prince of darkness himself on his mommas ass, then proceded to pound on the Orc. After defeating the Orc I found the elvan children sitting in the middle of the Orc encampment. They were very motionless but they fitted Sarges description 100%.

Grey hair… Check

Long ears… Nope

Fairly tall… Nah…

It was clear to me… These poor children had been tortured by the Orcs and then possibly worse things. I took the children back to Sandy as soon as possible.

When I got back Sarge was surprised to see me again. He said that it should have took me longer to get back from that mission. He also seemed a little unhappy. He must still be brooding over not becoming a vampire elf. Maybe I can help him in some other way? Also Sarge told me that the children were just rocks. I had no idea that Elves were divided into different groups. Kinda like in humans we have Spanish or Japanese. Apparently these children were the ‘Rocks’ and they were the equivalent to the ‘French’. Sarge held his head in his hands. He must be feeling bad, I’ll come cheer him up later. I have an awesome plan for replacing hands with pincers. I think he’ll love the idea!

Joining the army Mission 1#

Well I openly signed up for the Elvan army a few weeks ago ^^

I wasn’t aware that I was signing up to an Elvan army before you ask, I was unaware. They seem to accept me anyway so I ask no questions. Actually it kinda seems like they are reserving all the near impossible missions for me. They must think a lot of me ^^.

A few days ago Sarge (I call him Sarge in my writing only. He threatens me if I call my superior ‘Sarge’ to his face. Wtf right?) sent me off to the dead kings tomb to retrieve a tiny link of chainmail from a bat. He said it’d be easy but Sarge didn’t know that that place was full of bloodthirsty Goblins with knives. They didn’t seem too happy to see me either. I asked them if they might know where I can find some bats but they just stabbed me instead. I was lying there bleeding profusely when a nice elf walked past and healed me. We began to talk after and he seemed to be in a hurry so he teleported away from me whilst I was in mid sentence about how cool my sword was. Oh yes btw, I have a cool sword.

I continued to journey deep into the dead kings tomb and I saw a bat eating a piece of chainmail. I was confused as to what kind of nutrition a bat could get from some links of bronze. I didn’t question the matter too much as the bat was beginning to fly away. When I caught up with the bat I didn’t have the heart to kill it. I simply thought if I caught it and waited for it to poop out the chainmail. I waited around for a few hours watching it. I even tried squeezing it at one point. Nothing. I decided to take him back to Sarge to see if he knew anything about pooping bats.

I made my way back to San D. (that’s the place I live!) ,I call it Sandy ^^, and I met up with Sarge. He looked quite surprised to see me. Mustn’t have expected me back so soon. Though what can I say, I’m talented ^^. Also for future reference, Sarge doesn’t like bats. Apparently he had no use for the chainmail (I’m confused why he sent me to get a link of chainmail though) and he is highly allergic to bats. Though in my defense I did get a little confused when he said they give him an infection I thought he meant they infect people. Kinda like that vampire thing. So I sunk his teeth into his arm thinking “He’ll thank me for this later when he’s a super Vampire Elf with super powers”. I hope it works soon because he has been unconscious and purple for a while now… But what really sucked was that I wanted to know when I was getting my pay check. he kept saying “Here is your reward” then stared at me for a while… Maybe my reward was he was coming onto me? hmmm oh well if he wakes up anytime soon maybe I can ask him for myself.